Lonely

Have you ever just felt alone? I have and do right now. I have my family and friends but I feel alone. Just empty, like there is something missing. Sounds silly because I don't what would be missing because I mostly have everything I could want. I may just be tired. Who knows for sure. I am hoping that this will just go away like it has in the past. Well, that's all I have to say for now. I'll try to have a happier blog next time.

Well...

So my update, I had knee surgery mid October this year. Knee is sorta doing better but I figure it hurts still because it's so flipping cold now. I started my new job at the beginning of November.  I still like it even if at times it's frustrating.
I heard from him today, the last I talked, well texted, with him was back in September.  I seriously believe he contacts me when he's bored or something. I hear from him so randomly. I get that he has a job where he's not always some place with cell service but still.  This kids, is why you shouldn't have a physical attraction to someone you never see.  Probably not a good idea to have an emotional one either, if you have one of those. I guess, in my case, I'm lucky because I never see him.
I suppose that is all I have to say for now.
Good night!

Tired

I'm tired of pretending to be stronger than I am. But it does no one any good for me to breakdown. So I'll keep going though i want to shut down. That's all

So some how flirting with someone who is supposed to know and understand my situation turns into me falling in love if sex ever came into play. I don't play those games due to the fact that when I actually do become single again, I plan on being single for awhile as i have never done that before.
I'm irritated that an assumption was made about how I would feel without all the facts. Plus why would I put myself in such a heartbreaking situation when they don't live anywhere near me.
Oh well, I haven't talked to him in almost 2 weeks which isn't that big of a deal since that was the first time I had heard from him since I think February.
I was talking to a good friend and honestly I'm tempted to stay in my marriage because even if we aren't in love we know each other better than most other married couples who are in love.
I guess at 35, I just done with the games, back stabbing, etc.....
Well this gonna be short as I should try to get some sleep. I got turned down for disability and have an appt with my attorney to appeal the decision.  What pisses me off is that I found out that because I didn't go to my dr for every little thing they don't think I have any issues. I dont work because it's very difficult for me to do so. I tried last year and I'm pretty sure I was gone more than I was there.  I can't afford to go see the dr for everything because we can't afford it. Hopefully my attorney can help otherwise I will once again hurt myself to help with the finances.
Well night!

Ha turning into a journal

So I don't get how he turns me into a school girl with a crush. It's dumb as I am still married, well at least on paper, so this shouldn't matter at all. I love my husband but I'm not in love with him any more, he's the same way with me.  So we have an open relationship because we can't divorce because I can't take care of myself yet.
But back to the reason I'm writing this.  I have a wonderful friend who was there for me the last time I went through something bad and offered to let me go to him and become stable.  I loved him for that because I only have one other person I could do that with but he  died a few years back.  Now he has managed to get me all twisted up inside. It's dumb because I know he's just flirting  and that's it. And honestly I should let it go because he doesn't even live in the same state as I do and he's never home because of his job. I swear I just wait for a text message from him which is not frequent. Other than these past 2 days I heard from him 3 to 6 months ago. So really it's dumb. I honestly don't think about it when I don't hear from him but turn into goo when I do. It's just frustrating because I won't ever go anywhere without my dogs  and honestly I don't think anyone will be willing to take us all on. Lol so when the husband and I part ways it'll be me and my pups and that's it. Nothing will be in my future. Oh well, my pups love me so it's not that big of deal.
Ok I'm done for now...

Just me being sad

I have truely been in love with 3 men in my whole life. One of them is willing to do whatever it is I need, even if I think I don't need it. But our timing never worked out for us.

One is my ex, I loved him so much it hurt when we broke it off and went our seperated ways. I refused to keep in contact with him after a year because I still loved him and it really wasn't fair to either of us.  But now he has turned out to be a wonderful friend and I enjoy chatting with him when we have the time.

One is the man I married. We had been together on and off for 12 years when we decided to get married. Honestly it seemed the logical step in our relationship.  Looking back on it probably not the wisest move we have ever made. Now we are together because I can not take care of myself due to unforseen medical issues. I do feel if or when we do get divorced I will not be looking for marriage or really a relationship again. Because to be fair no one should have to deal with this.  We love each other dearly but are no longer in love with each other.  

There is another but I'm not really sure I can claim that I love him. I'm just very comfortable with him and he has always been someone who has been willing to help me out of crappy situations I put myself in. But I do care about him which is probably why I did my best to drive him off with my crazy last year.  He has kept a distance though i don't know if that's due to his job or because I finally managed to shove a brilliant man away from me.  But hell, I'm good at doing that.....

I have being melancholy.....though I love thunderstorms and should be enjoying it.  I'll write something more cheerful next time.